Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
