My first STD was from a foam party
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
