My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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