I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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