his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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