I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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