I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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