I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
