my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
