I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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