So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
