I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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