Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
