You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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