you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
