He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
