Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
