dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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