I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
