Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
