don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
