I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
