my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
