Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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