You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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