How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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