Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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