Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
