I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
