apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
