I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
