The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
