You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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