someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
