Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
