I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
