He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
