Your face is a jimmy john
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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