Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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