Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
