If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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