if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
