Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
