Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
