And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
