every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
