and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
