I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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