i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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