im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
